Do the Right Thing; “Va' dove ti porta il cuore”

I have been mulling over this post for about 4 weeks now, just as I have been mulling over my next step in the campaign for good over okay

Or, as you fashion folk might understand it:

The Couture Intervention vs "One Size Fits All".

And the delay in transmission has come as a result of exactly what pulls us back from the campaign; Real Life.

Because when things get tough at home, I have learned to pull up the draw bridge and concentrate on what is happening between our walls. To not let anything else drain my energy away. But I learned this the hard way, because time and time again, I have burnt myself trying to "do the right thing".

You see, I feel a strong commitment to my "community" and I always feel that if I can help, if I have the skills, then I should. I also feel, often times that if I don't do it, no one will.
I would feel this irresistible pull to volunteer to help out, to turn up at a meeting or a presentation, even if it was putting unreasonable pressure on myself and my family.

And many times we do make these choices, and other people benefit. It has to be said that the entire movement of Irish Autism advocacy, including the school that my children attend, is down to people doing just that. Going beyond any benefit to themselves and their child, to give up their time and use their considerable skills to help all of us. And thank goodness they do.

And then there are the others who concentrate all of their energy on the home environment, giving their kids the best possible intervention; which is admirable too.

I guess the way to look at it is the difference between Big Picture and Small Picture.

If you spend all your time on the Big Picture, many people may benefit. But maybe your home situation will suffer. If you are all about the small picture, then hopefully the reward will be happier children, but there are outside influences that may thwart you, and make you feel powerless- then you need the big picture; the Macro.

In my experience, there will always be people who are looking to you to lead, and to do all the work, without making any kind of commitment themselves. They will happily benefit and enjoy your efforts, but will also be very quick to complain at the slightest thing going wrong.
And they will only notice how much you are doing; when you stop.

A few years ago a clever friend was watching me about to get involved in just such a project; and noting my frustration she gave me an excellent piece of advice:

"You can't pull people along"

Giving your all to a project when people are not fully on board, is only going to end in tears, mostly yours.
Firstly, you will be dealing with conflict all the time as you try to rally everyone along with your enthusiasm and single minded passion for the cause or project.
You will be inundated with tasks to complete, with nobody to delegate to, as everyone will be passively watching to see how it all works out. And you will most likely reach a point where you simply lose ownership of the project as it goes out of your exhausted control and then fails.

(or appears to, by your impossible standards)

It took me a few tries to realise how right my friend was.

Last year, I got involved with a project for which I took all the responsibility for organisation, negotiation and fundraising. (I have a lot of chutzpah when it comes to applying for grants, and a very clever friend who did the bookwork)

I put it all together and then had to hand it over to the health and educational professionals to implement, so the training could benefit more children.

One of these people described me as "The Little Red Hen".

I had planted the grain, picked the grain, milled it into flour, and made the bread;

Only to have this little lot turn up and make burnt toast, leaving me to clean up the crumbs.

Driven demented with regret, I chastised myself with thoughts of what I could have done to make it work better.

I felt sick every time I thought of it. Lost half a stone. (Boobs and face = Not Good)
And my child did not benefit. Not one bit.
And the lesson; when you are looking to invest yourself in a project; you have to look hard and decide what benefit this will have to the people you love, and how much you have to give to it.

Some people very successfully use good business skills, negotiation, diplomacy, and The Art of the Deal, to benefit all of us. And, thank goodness they do because they have given my son back to me, and are making life a whole lot more hopeful for my daughter.

And The New School simply wouldn't exist without these people.

Some, when they find out that their child has autism, use a different power to help us all: Fame.
In Ireland, literally millions of euro has been raised, thanks to the patronage of one member of a boy band from the mid 90's: Keith Duffy. Not only does he work tirelessly to elicit the charitable support of many to our cause; he cajoles and recruits others to use their celebrity to our benefit.

I am sure he finds it very gratifying to be able to do this. Sure, I often imagine what it would be like to raise half a million euro, just by turning up to an event. But he does more than this. He genuinely involves himself and adds his influence to as many of the projects that our group can line him up for. And sets up quite a few himself.

Look, I'll admit it, I am mad about him. So I will just stop gushing and finish my post.

But there are others, in every household that our doers, movers and shakers occupy, who work behind the scenes. Who have recognised their skill set is best utilised in the micro management of their child's intervention. They are not hermits or homebodies, as they have to attend the courses, and read all the books and websites and network with other parents, teachers and therapists.
But their contribution is no less valuable.

The balance is in finding out what works for your family. Some of the best Macro's are terrible at the home based stuff. They are better off out shouting at windmills and letting their other half get on with it. And some Micro's are just great at doing what they do. While applauding the others. The wind beneath their windmills I guess?

Which brings me to my second quote from a wonderful strong lady.

When you are deciding which road to take, to do the right thing:

"Va' dove ti porta il cuore " which means, Follow Your Heart.

xx