Tonight I was in the Glenview hotel watching Boo swim. We go every night now while Bratty goes to Maccas and for a forest walk with her Angel.
There was another mum sitting nearby on the plastic patio chairs with a very small but alert little baby in a carry seat. This little baby was wearing the cutest little stripey jumpsuit and was sitting up looking out at the pool where his two brothers were having a swimming lesson. He seemed to be following the sound of his mothers voice as she called to the boys.
And I had a sudden little wistful thought, imagine if my babies were that small again - but I knew what I know now? And I could use that to help them through what was going to be a tough but interesting couple of years as we found out together that they were autistic and more.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change them for a minute. They are who they are because they have autism and they are strong and healthy and robust and vibrant little individuals.
But I would change many of the decisions I made with regard to their intervention, and perhaps save us a lot of lost time and heartache, as I made my way towards the sort of education and daily support that we are enjoying now.
But we didn't know what we were doing as we stood at the top of that slide and there is no magic wand to take you back. There just isn't.
So I guess all we can do is try and help the others that stand there, wondering whether to jump or climb or slide. And try not to mourn whatever loss of potential that has resulted from my bad decisions along the way.